Head trash and the lies that hold us back

Speaker 1 0:02

But then the head track for me is, like, you don't have a certificate in that, you don't have a degree in that. Like, that dumb shit gets in my head, like it could all just go away. Like, you know, it's a fluke that I'm able to stand up there and perform.

Leah Neaderthal 0:19

Welcome to the smart gets paid podcast with me. Leah Neaderthal, I help women land higher paying clients in their independent consulting businesses, but I've never been a salesperson. My background is in corporate marketing, and when I started my first consulting business, I learned pretty quickly that it's about 1000 times harder to sell your own stuff than it is to sell someone else's. So I taught myself how to do it, and I created the sales approach that I now share with my clients so they can feel more comfortable in the sales process, get more of the right clients and get paid way more for every client contract. So whether your client contracts are $5,000 $100,000 or more, if you want to work with more of the clients you love, do more of the work you love, and get paid more than you ever thought you could, then you're in the right place. Let's do it together. Thanks for tuning in, and don't forget to rate, review and share. Hey there, Leah here, and thanks for tuning in. I hope wherever you are right now, wherever you're listening to this, I hope you're having a great week, making some good progress in your business and taking some time for you. So in today's episode, we're going to talk through something that everybody has but we all hate and we all kind of need to get rid of, because in this episode, we're talking about head trash. We'll get back to that in a second, because today you're going to be listening in on a coaching call with one of my clients. She's a coach and a consultant who helps mid career professionals, directors and leadership teams unlock their authentic leadership. And when we started our conversation, we were going back and forth about all the different directions that her business could take. You know, should she continue to run programs for individuals or really shifting more towards working with organizations and leadership teams, but as we dug deeper, our conversation turned into something even more powerful. And the real issue wasn't choosing a direction to go, but rather it was more about what was holding her back. And what was holding her back is head trash. Now when I say head trash, you probably already know what I mean, but it's all that mental clutter, mental noise, that tells us that we can't do what we want to do, or we shouldn't do what we want to do. Head trash says things like, you know you're not ready yet, or it says you're not qualified enough. Or for a lot of people, it says, you know, you should get another certification or degree before you even try this thing. Or, you know, what's also really common for head trash to say is, you know, other people already do this better, so why bother and really head trash can sound different for each person, right? Based on their background or your family of origin or your history or whatever, right? But head trash is always there. And that's the tricky thing about head trash. It's everywhere. Every woman I've ever worked with, every consultant I've coached, everybody has it. I'm sure you have it and I have it too. It's also so insidious, because head trash feels so true. It sounds like this rational voice of caution when it's really just fear, you know, dressed up as logic. And that's why I wanted to share this conversation with you, because you'll not only hear my client, you know, naming her head trash out loud, but you'll also hear how we start to dismantle it. And what's really special about this call is that, you know, my client didn't just talk through her own head trash. She also invited me to share my head trash. And so you're going to hear me get really real about my doubts and the imposter syndrome I've experienced, and, you know, still experience in my own business. So in our conversation, you're going to hear how to recognize when head trash is running the show. You're going to hear why you actually don't need another certification or another credential to do the work you're already doing. You're going to learn a simple shift that helps you replace your inner critic with a stronger, more confident voice that's still yours. You're going to learn The Surprising Truth, maybe surprising, I guess, about the imposter syndrome that I've struggled with, and how I work through it, and why waiting for the you know, air quotes. Right way to do something might actually be keeping you stuck. I want to send a huge thank you to my client for allowing me to share this conversation with you. So take a listen, and at the end, I'll come back and share a lesson that you can apply to your business, and then hopefully someday soon, you'll partner with us to help you build your consulting business, and you'll come back on the podcast and share your story.

Speaker 1 4:51

Enjoy. I'm looking at my calendar, and I don't know I'm kind of feeling like, what am I? You? Like, what am I doing? Yeah, what am I doing?

Leah Neaderthal 5:04

In what respect,

Speaker 1 5:05

this is kind of like blank slate, where my goal for summer was to kind of line up business for the fall, but I am trying to discern, like, what I want to line up. I I feel a little conflicted. So it'd be helpful to talk through these things that I'm debating.

Leah Neaderthal 5:28

Okay, let's talk through what you're thinking so that maybe we can point you in the right direction. Okay, so from here, we spend about 20 minutes talking about what she truly wants in her business and where she wants to go with her consulting work, and by the end, she has a pretty clear vision of what she'd like to be doing. And then I asked this question, so what is keeping you from like going after these organizations?

Speaker 1 5:59

I mean, it probably is like, confidence, like, can I? Can I do it? But I think I, like, in my head, I'm like, oh, but they, they won't pay for this, or they won't pay enough. And so then I, like, hedge myself from, like, fully just being like, Nope. That's what I want to work with. That's why I want to help create something.

Leah Neaderthal 6:18

I mean, some of them won't, and some of them well, yeah, you know. But if you know, it's like, if we let our head trash to dictate, then we're never gonna do anything, right? So what? What is that head trash? Though? Where's that coming from?

Speaker 1 6:32

The head trash is like, oh, you should be working with, like, corporates and the people who have big budgets, and they're the ones that like, don't care about, you know, dropping 20k and doing like, a retreat, and then it's going to be so much harder to try to convince a nonprofit or a social enterprise to do it. Yeah, is that it's like, I mean, harder, I

Leah Neaderthal 7:03

don't know. How would you respond? How would you respond to that head trash? If the head trash was, like, sitting in front of you saying that,

Speaker 1 7:10

like, well, it might be harder, but, like, you can do hard things. And also that's if you're providing a solution, and people need a solution, they're going to find a solution. Like, also you're so big, like, how many things do you think you want to you could take on anyway, right?

Leah Neaderthal 7:32

And just because a company has lots of money doesn't mean it's easy for them to give it to you. Yeah, right. It is actually not depending on how, how you position yourself, and who you say you're an expert for or whatever. It's not easier to get money from FedEx versus a, you know, a social enterprise that like believes and you have told them that like you through your messaging and through your content, that like you're the absolute best person to solve

Speaker 1 8:01

their problems. Yes, totally. But then the head trap for me is like, you don't have a certificate in, you don't have a certificate or a degree in, like, like, that dumb shit gets in my head. Do you know who

Leah Neaderthal 8:16

doesn't have a certificate in? Tony Robbins, Brene Brown. Brene Brown does not have a certificate. What's that? Who's like everybody's talking about like Mel Robbins, and you don't need it. Your head trash is working overtime. That's, I think the biggest one hearing your head trash is working overtime. Whose voice is that?

Speaker 1 8:49

It's probably just some like somebody mean, who wants to say you're not qualified for that this,

Leah Neaderthal 9:02

where did you college? Okay, and then did you give it a did you get a master's or was it, yeah, well, I mean, I think that when you spend a lot of time, what, what's that laugh like, I can hear, it's

Speaker 1 9:17

like, yeah, no, you have a master's degree. You have a whatever, but, but it's like, when you get trained in, like, critical thinking and stuff, then you like,

Leah Neaderthal 9:25

Well, okay, there's that. But also when you are sort of steeped in this, you know, mixture of, like, external validation, yeah, and then it's really hard for you to be like, no, no. I'm good at this because I fucking like it. I've done it many times, and I don't need to, I don't need a degree or a certification or, you know, whatever, to tell me that I can do this. Yeah, you know. And so I think that part of this is like observing your head trash, because, like. So right now it seems like head trash is winning.

Speaker 1 10:04

Yeah, it's something like, like, intern, like, I feel like, that's like a critic, inner critic, like, persona that I've, like, identified. Like, who's that? Like, intern is just like, oh, I don't know. Like, I can help her, you know, but you're the intern, right? Like, you're not the expert,

Leah Neaderthal 10:26

yeah, yeah, I feel like there's, there's this technique that you can use, anybody can use, you know, you have this, like, Alter Ego, right? Like, Beyonce has an alter ego named Sasha Fierce, and she's like, fierce, right? And it's almost like you have an alter ego, but it's like an intern, yeah, yeah, I think it's time for a new Alter Ego, yeah. Who would this person be? I mean,

Speaker 1 10:59

she'd be on stage, and she'd be like, calming it like it is, like, I don't know, like, feminist cheerleader,

Leah Neaderthal 11:10

yeah, who probably would look at intern and be like, get a spine.

Speaker 1 11:16

Yeah, exactly. You know,

Leah Neaderthal 11:19

there's a loose connection here to this, this story, but I was listening to a podcast about a woman who she's a very, very successful business owner, you know, in the millions and millions and millions. I mean, she's a total badass, right? Like Sasha Fierce in the flesh. But every time she would prepare for a board meeting, or be in the run up to a board meeting, she would get so anxious and, like, paralyzed and, you know, the sweats and all of that, even like walking in the door, even though, in other areas, she's like a total badass. And her husband was like, he's like, at one point, he's like, I finally figured out why you are so scared of these things. He said, You are still acting like an employee, because that's the only thing you've ever been and I think there's something in here, in the mix, yeah, right. It's like, and not just for you, probably for everybody, and including myself, right? It's like, you know what would who's already doing this in the future. Like, what would she say to you?

Speaker 1 12:27

Like, you can take up space, you know, what needs to happen, and you can direct the work. And, yeah, see, that's the thing is, like, Leah, like, I've been the like, you know, like, the neutral your value is in knowing all the things and getting to learn lots of different things quickly, but not like be the expert in any one thing, and certainly not be the one on stage taking up space, like I'm writing the speeches for people versus giving them. And yeah, it feels like a totally different space to take up. How does it feel? What to take up space? Yeah.

Leah Neaderthal 13:07

Like, I mean, I just see you even sitting differently in your chair right now. Like, what does it feel like to just observe this and and know that there's a different way to take up space?

Speaker 1 13:19

It's just weird, like, I just always been, like, shy and quiet and like, introverted. But it's like, I'm not like, when I'm up in front of a group and I'm, like, giving examples, and like telling stories and like asking people, and like seeing, like the reticence and asking What's up, and like making a joke or whatever. Like, it feels very like performance. It's like, extemporaneous, it's, it's being, like, holding the room, like, those are, like, none of the things that I ever thought one I'd be able to do. But also, like, get paid for, like, for that being the value like that still feels, it feels like it could all just go away. Because I'm just like, oh, you know, it's a fluke that I'm able to, like, stand up there and perform or, yeah, like, as if that's not good enough, like I should be, you know, writing the report and giving people the report and my values and, like, having the fact that I synthesize things and, like, it is, it is a totally different way to say I can show up and deliver value through doing that, and that is, yeah, that's just never, never been on my radar. Like, just like owning a business was never on my radar. Like being the person in the room with the big enough voice and like telling people what's going to happen has never been on my radar, right?

Leah Neaderthal 14:43

But that's, that's you. I mean, it's not a fake you. That's like, the real you

Speaker 1 14:49

be so but it'd be so much more comfortable to, like, stay behind my computer screen and, like, do, like, virtual workshops and stuff. But it's like, I know that's not what I want to do. I. Much rather like, be on stages and be, you know, in front of groups, and be like, Nope, I like, do that, and it takes a lot out of me, and I like, gotta, like, recover after it. I'm not a true expert, but like, if I'm getting paid enough to do that and and then have time to read books on other things and make sense of it and bring it back to people like, that's what I want to do, not like scramble to try to get people to say yes to $1,000 workshop that's going to change their lives, right?

Leah Neaderthal 15:32

Well, and just going back to that, I mean, you know, if a 2% conversion rate is good, that means that most of the time you'll have a 90, 98% rejection rate, right? Or no rate. Like, not that people are telling you, no, they're just not taking action. Yeah, you know. And for somebody who, I mean, what you're describing also is, like, very much like me, like, I'm very much behind the scenes. I don't love to be, you know, it takes a lot of me, at lot of me to, like, be up on stage, blah, blah, blah. But for somebody you know who as you're describing, it's like external career of external validation, right? Which is what academia, academia is. You have this, like, sort of intern level inner voice with head trash. It does take a lot of, like, new things to be able to market this thing and then to have a 98% you know, no action rate. It's like, Oh, my God, no wonder the head trash is winning right now. You know, whereas, like, if you could get these, you know, opportunities where you have impact, but they, because they, they have invited you in, yeah, you know, and that now you're on stage with your, like, stage presence and your stage Alter Ego, or whatever. It's just, I have a feeling it'll just build on each other. It like they'll, it'll be a snowball effect, you know. So So, yeah, let's just take a beat. I mean, what? What is like the and you'll get a recording of this or whatever. But like, what's something that's really sticking out for you about this? What we talked about so far,

Speaker 1 17:17

oh, it's sticking out is, like, I don't have to pick one to the other, like, and the piece around like, not marketing, the services, messaging that value, like that, that is like, I know that intellectually, but like, I can't seem to make myself do it. And I don't know if it's just like, again, I don't trust the value. So it's, I think for me, it's that piece of like, just having to, like, own it with that stage presence of, like, No, this is the value

Leah Neaderthal 17:49

well, and you're gonna, you know, you're get to this, the module where we talk about how to sort of pull out the value, and how do you articulate the value and whatnot. But I think, yeah, approaching it with this sort of new alter ego that you have to replace the old Alter Ego, and just being confident that, yeah, you all this is not for like, this is not wasted, right? Like, everything you've poured into yourself and synthesized and made it matter to people, and put it into a four week thing, or whatever that all has meaning, yeah, you know. And now that thing that you created gets people from one place to another, like, that's real, yeah, you know, that is impact. Say it again.

Speaker 1 18:41

That's what I want.

Leah Neaderthal 18:44

I mean, think about how you got here, right? Like so, I am not a certified coach. I'm not a certified facilitator. I read and synthesized like 65 books into this methodology that works when you before you learn it, you're a one way, and after you learn it, you can do other things. And you know, my, if I listened to my head trash, I wouldn't have sold it to anybody you know, or wouldn't have promised that. Like, yeah, after this you can, you will be a different person. You know, there's, there's a ton of value in being able to take in and synthesize and make it actionable and make it understandable.

Speaker 1 19:27

Yeah, how did you get, how did you get through your head trash with that? Like, when you're like, No, this is what I do.

Leah Neaderthal 19:34

Like, who's to say? I don't still have it? First of all, first thing I did was, I don't know if this is any of this was the thing, but it all sort of like combined, right? First I I worked with the coach, or did a coach's program to make the program. That's one thing, right? It's like I borrowed their confidence that they know they have a system. Mm. Right? So that's how I made the first version of my first course, I never stopped improving it. So I saw that where it could be better, and I, like, made it better. So I'm like, Oh, now it's gonna get people better results, you know? So, and then I saw the results, and I hold on to the results, like, there's a reason we have a wins channel. Sometimes I need that, right? If I'm having a bad day and I'm like, oh my god, somebody just, you know, made $100,000 more this year than last year, yeah? Like, but even before that, like, I save anytime people say good things about this, like, I hope you're saving them in a place, yeah?

Speaker 1 20:35

No, I definitely have the Yeah, Google File, yeah.

Leah Neaderthal 20:39

You know, I also part of the head trash is, like, on the, you know, do you have what it takes, or are you worthy enough, or whatever? I gotta tell you. Like, I, when I first started my business, I was reading all these people's BIOS who are, like, sort of big at the time, like other coaches or whatever. And I was like, they all had these like stories of, you know, they hit rock bottom, or they'd overcome some, like, tremendous adversity or whatever. And my imposter syndrome was telling me, like, you don't have enough adversity, yeah, to be to be good at this, which I know is crazy, right? And then, like, two years later, I had a stroke, so I'm like, Whoa. Easy there. Be careful what you wish for, right? And so I don't, I don't know I and you know that whole adversary thing, like, I still, it's still sort of comes up, like, I've, I didn't have enough hardship in my life, like, God forbid, like I'm the one manifest that. But you know what I'm saying, it this, this thing that says that you're lacking something. It still comes up, you know. But I also have learned that, like, there's no one way to do anything. There's no right way, like, you can have a fully like, thriving, profitable business, and still be on nobody's radar and not be famous. Do you know what I'm saying, like, you could have 100 clients and be making millions of dollars. Do you know? And so it's that's the thing that probably helped me the most, that there's like no one way to do it, and other people are allowed to do it their way. You, I said something that you, you must have it must have hit something because I saw you write it down. What was that?

Speaker 1 22:30

Oh, there's no right way to do things. I keep, like, looking for, like, the right way to do things, like reading people's stuff and like, what's the right way to do things,

Leah Neaderthal 22:41

yeah, yeah, I was, it's funny. I mean, I'm, I would bet that we're both perfectionists, right? Or, you know, whatever. So I was, and I thought I heard on a podcast recently, somebody was like, I forgot it was they're quoting somebody, but they said that, you know, the business grows at the speed at which the founder makes decisions. Oh, yeah. Okay, so that's, that was the first like, oh, right in the right in the chest, right, yeah. And then, but I've been noticing recently that, like, it's been, I've been struggling to make decisions. Recently, I've been struggling. I've been really dragging my feet on some things. And then recently, I mean, like, within the past few days, I was watching a show with my kids. We watch a lot of, like, PBS Kids, and one of the characters was like, there's, there's always more than one way to solve a problem. And I was like, oh shit. Like that hit me in the chest too, because I was like, the reason I'm delaying on making a decision is because I don't want to make the wrong decision, because I want to get it right. But there's always more than one way to solve a problem, and that has unlocked a lot of stuff for me, you know, so what if there is no one way to solve a problem, right? What if there's no right way? Like, then what would you do? Then you tell your head trash to shut the fuck up? Yeah, right?

Speaker 1 24:10

Yeah, that's, that's such a it's really hitting me because, like, I know that decision fatigue and over and out, you know our analysis paralysis and like, it's just really hard for me. But like, what feels both like my total strength but also my total like, Achilles heel is just like, coming up with ideas and being interested in wanting to learn things, but it's like, I want my brain to be able to, like, say, okay, you can just pause, you get to just turn off, and just be in doing mode, like you have your list of things you're doing and you're just gonna do and like, that's what feels so hard, is I don't have that, I don't feel like I had that permission to just be in do. Mode, because it feels really scary, because it's like, if I do the thing I said I'm going to do, what if it's wrong? What if it's not the what if it's not going to get the result that I want? And then I've been like, doing so it's kind of like this, like comfort crutch to be like, Oh, wait, you can keep coming up with some new ideas. And I'm, like, much more aware of this now, obviously, than I was years ago, but I know that it's still coming up. Yeah.

Leah Neaderthal 25:25

Well, if you're, if you are just coming up with ideas, and you never try to make the ideas happen, then you never fail at any of the the ideas. Yeah, you know, I think now you're at a point where you've, you have and, well, let me say, also coming up with ideas is such a gift, right? But, like, sometimes they just have to go in the parking lot, yeah, you know. And so now you're at the point where you have the ideas you get to make them happen. And the fear is finding ways to seep through.

Speaker 1 26:05

Yeah, and I do, I do want to make it happen. I really do. I think it would like, it would feel so amazing and like relaxing and deeply easeful to be like you have made a decision that you have these, like, kind of two core offerings, and you, like, have your messaging and like, you have, like, a methodology, you know, like a whole process you're doing, and now you get to just do it like, now it feels so nice To my nervous system.

Leah Neaderthal 26:41

I think that's, I think that's where we need to

Speaker 1 26:43

go, and then just like trust, just like trust that we're just following the plan exactly.

Leah Neaderthal 26:54

All right, feels scary. Okay, okay, so what are, what are some of your takeaways?

Speaker 1 27:03

My takeaway is just like, you know, do what you knew you need to do, which is schedule on your calendar, time to go through the modules like this isn't like an addition to all these other things. It's like, No, this is what you are doing. That is it is work. This is the work right now and just trust, I just want to be able to trust that like, like, take, like, what I already know. I don't have to, like, pull all the different documents of things I've started, but I can just, like, go into like, the curriculum and, like, take what's in my brain and put it into Slack and get feedback and just go with it. Like, is that accurate? Yeah.

Leah Neaderthal 27:51

I mean, watch, like, do the lessons, yeah, sort of see where there are gaps, you know, and what you have so far, versus, like, what we're advising you to do, and then get and then, and then take it to like, 80% turn your brain off. Post it in Slack, okay, all right. This is good. This was good. I hope you think, I hope this was, I hope this was helpful.

Speaker 1 28:19

Yeah, no, it was, this is, and this is the time that I needed to do it.

Leah Neaderthal 28:22

So, yeah, good. All right, well, so let's, I will look forward to seeing you on some calls. I look forward to seeing you in Slack. That's how I'll know that you're, you're allowing yourself to really do it, yeah? All right, very good. All right, I will talk to you very soon. Okay, sounds good. All right. Bye. All right. I want to send a huge thank you to my client for allowing me to share that conversation with you, and it's so interesting. I mean, we all have our own head trash, right, but it's not every day you get to hear somebody else's head trash. I mean, the purpose of this podcast and these episodes is to show people you're not alone. And I have a feeling that, you know, even if not every single thing she said was relevant to you, I have a feeling that if you're like most of the women that I work with, some part of that resonated and sounds a little bit like your own head trash. So as you think about this conversation and how it applies to your own consulting business, I want to leave you with a few questions. First, the head trash that you hear in your own mind, Whose voice is that you know when somebody tells you that you can't do it, or you shouldn't do it, or, you know, you're not qualified, or whatever. Who is that? Is it the voice of an old boss, a professor, a family member, or maybe just an earlier version of you, and I want to invite you to get curious about where that voice actually comes from. The second is, I want to. You to picture a future version of yourself, the you who's already doing the thing you want to do, whether it's in your business or in your life. What would that person, that future version of you? What would she say to that head trash? And third, if you can embody a different alter ego, you know, one that drowns out that critic, that head trash, and takes up more space. What would that look like for you? Who's your Sasha Fierce? Because when you can recognize where your head trash is coming from and then choose a more powerful voice to drown it out and guide you forward, then you're not letting fear run the show anymore. You're leading your business and yourself from a much stronger place, and that's how we stop living stuck in the past or being held back and really start moving forward to where we want to be. Because when you can recognize where that head trash is coming from and then choose a more powerful voice to drown it out and guide you forward, then you're not letting fear run the show anymore, and you're leading your business and yourself from a much stronger place. Thanks for listening in. If you know someone who might benefit from hearing this, please share this episode with her. You never know who might need to hear this today. All right, see you next time.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai